The Worst of Days

What an incredible spring morning--the magnificent sunrise over our shimmering pond was exquisite. The chirping birds were happily going about the business of preparing for the appearance of their young.  If there was ever a perfect morning, this was it. 

---Until we got the word… The word that our angel has died. Little Jacob/Henry died in his orphanage in Eastern Europe-alone, a month away from us getting to him.

As I write this, my hands are trembling and tears are streaming down my face and onto the keyboard. I have never felt like this before. I am so terribly sad that my little angel never got a chance to see his mama and papa. He never knew the love of a family. I was not there for him as he struggled to hang on until I could unite him with his forever family. My  poor little angel will never see a beautiful sunrise over the pond. He will never know the joy of a spring morning playing with his brothers and sisters or the incredible happiness that can come from the morning song of a robin.

I am also terribly angry. Not at anyone, but at the process. There is no reason he had to die.  Jacob/Henry should have been home with us... An extra day to get this paper and that one, and extra month or so for the home study, all of this added up to cost my  little boy his life.

Henry/Jacob joined our family the day we saw his picture and read his story.  In my heart , he was our little boy from then on. We did not know much about him. He had Down syndrome. He was extremely tiny for his age and severely delayed physically.  He appeared to be quite malnourished.  But things were really looking good for him. He had prayer warriors on his side. A church youth group had spied him and began praying for him and raising money to help with his adoption.  The ball got rolling right away. We all knew that time mattered. We just did not know how “life and death” his situation was.

Now we know. 

There will be other spring days for me, but none can be perfect. There is a place in my heart that will not be filled until I finally get to meet Jacob/Henry with God above in heaven. I love you little man. I am so sorry I failed you. I will never forget.