Friday, May 13, 2011

The Worst of Days

What an incredible spring morning--the magnificent sunrise over our shimmering pond was exquisite. The chirping birds were happily going about the business of preparing for the appearance of their young.  If there was ever a perfect morning, this was it. 

---Until we got the word… The word that our angel has died. Little Jacob/Henry died in his orphanage in Eastern Europe-alone, a month away from us getting to him.

As I write this, my hands are trembling and tears are streaming down my face and onto the keyboard. I have never felt like this before. I am so terribly sad that my little angel never got a chance to see his mama and papa. He never knew the love of a family. I was not there for him as he struggled to hang on until I could unite him with his forever family. My  poor little angel will never see a beautiful sunrise over the pond. He will never know the joy of a spring morning playing with his brothers and sisters or the incredible happiness that can come from the morning song of a robin.

I am also terribly angry. Not at anyone, but at the process. There is no reason he had to die.  Jacob/Henry should have been home with us... An extra day to get this paper and that one, and extra month or so for the home study, all of this added up to cost my  little boy his life.

Henry/Jacob joined our family the day we saw his picture and read his story.  In my heart , he was our little boy from then on. We did not know much about him. He had Down syndrome. He was extremely tiny for his age and severely delayed physically.  He appeared to be quite malnourished.  But things were really looking good for him. He had prayer warriors on his side. A church youth group had spied him and began praying for him and raising money to help with his adoption.  The ball got rolling right away. We all knew that time mattered. We just did not know how “life and death” his situation was.

Now we know. 

There will be other spring days for me, but none can be perfect. There is a place in my heart that will not be filled until I finally get to meet Jacob/Henry with God above in heaven. I love you little man. I am so sorry I failed you. I will never forget.


19 comments:

  1. My heart aches for you....God bless you and your family as you heal from this loss.

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  2. I shared your story on my own blog and my dear friend had this to say (she asked me to share it here because her iPhone won't post it for her)


    Jan Gibson Bullington (said)
    Christie,
    My heart bleeds for the Stolz's but what an honor it was to meet their son. Little Jacob accomplished so much in his life. He found his family and made them servants to spread the word that adoption is desperately needed. He introduced me to Reece's Rainbows and made me a better person of spreading the word of adoption of ALL children. Most of all he brought back great memories of kiddos that have already have gone to heaven before him. I will not say rest in peace to Jacob. I know a lot of little friends that have joined him in heaven and all I can say is "play joyfully" because heaven does not have labels, testing, and conditions of where you must live. Run, skip, jump, and shout as loud as you want Jacob because you are free and loved by so many in heaven and down here on earth.

    Jacob, what an amazing little man you are and thank you for making me remember all the wonderful qualities of your new playmates.

    We will all see you later when God determines when that will be.

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  3. My prayers are with your family, I cannot imagine the pain.

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  4. You don't know me, but I heard of your loss through another Reece's Rainbow parent. I am so, so, sorry.

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  5. I just saw news of this posted on a DS forum... I am so sorry, for you and your family, and for that precious boy, that he didn't get to feel the love in your first hug and the thousands more that would have followed.

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  6. I am so, so sorry for your loss. How terrible for all of you.

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  7. My heart hurts for you for the child you never got to hold and my heart aches for him for never knowing the family that loved him before ever meeting him. My prayers are with you.

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  8. I am so sorry. Our hearts and tears are with you. We are sending hugs and prayers to you all as you go through such a sad loss of a precious son.
    The Archers in MN

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  9. I am so sorry for your family,my heart breaks for your sweet little man never getting to meet his forever family. I will be keeping you all in my prayers.

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  10. I'm so sorry for your loss. Truly heartbreaking!!

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  11. I am so sorry for your loss. As I cry for you and your family, please know that I'm praying for our Lord to give you moments of peace and rest during your grief.

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  12. Papa Jim and Mama Mary, Little Jacob will forever be your angel. I am so sorry for your loss. I am so humbled by the love and perseverance you continue to shower on these neediest of children. "I assure you, as often as you did it for the least of my brothers, you did it for me." (Matthew 25:40) God Bless your family.

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  13. I'm am so, so sorry to read this. This child had a special place in my heart. I had prayed for this child for many, many months before you committed to him. I knew he was tiny- but like you, didn't comprehend how "life and death" his situation was. I am so, so sorry that you lost the chance to love on this child...and so sorry he missed the chance to be so loved on while on this earth. Prayers for your family. Jennifer

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  14. I am so sorry for your loss, what a heartbreaking thing to have to go through! Your family is in my thoughts and prayers! God Bless!

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  15. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  16. We know your pain and sorrow! Our Nikita Frederick is meeting your Jacob Henry in heaven. Please know that you and your family are in our prayers. I pray you find comfort in knowing Jacob Henry is in the BEST hands - Jesus's! Your love for Jacob Henry has a purpose and he will always remain - YOUR SON.
    Big hugs! Amy & Family
    godsarrowsinourquiver.blogspot.com

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  17. You do not know me but i`m so sorry you and for that precious boy...It is heartbreaking to hear and to know it.I`m so sorry for you for the child you never got to hold and my heart aches for him for never knowing the family that loved him.
    I minister in mental institutions of Ukraine where are many lonely boys and girls whom need a family, whom need to be loving.Each time when we come there and share our love with kids with special needs, we know and understand only a family can show to a child full love, protect, play and give everything need to child.

    I`m so sorry for little boy who never getting to meet his forever family.Praying for you God give you a piece and comfort in this grief.Big hugs, love and condoles from Ukraine.
    Alla

    P.S.I`m sorry for my English

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  18. I am so sorry for your loss, my heart is broken for your family. Please don't feel like you failed him, your family is victim to the system, and they are the ones who have failed. You are his family and will be able to shower him with love when you meet him in heaven. I hope that all the prayers being lifted up for your family give you some peace. Thank you for being a warrior for these orphans! You give hope and courage to so many, including myself.

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